Today was a bad day. Nothing I did or said helped anyone or anything. Everyday I retreat deeper and deeper into myself because everything and everyone I touch has a negative effect. And my longtime boyfriend has had enough of my needing to be loved and heard and understood. He's always telling me to get lost, get a life, loose some weight, or to just do something, as if I was a bother to him.
I consider him my friend and confident because in the beginning there was nothing we couldn't or wouldn't tell one another. He was my rock and I was his but things started changing about a year ago. That look he used to give me when he was mentally saying, "I love you," without having to mouth a word, went awry.
He outright refused to spend time with me doing those things that we used to do together. At times it seems as though he was embarrassed by my presence, that I made him look bad or stupid or that because of me others would start to disrespect him. And when he did relent to spend ample time with me it was usually because it was of benefit to him in some way.
But I am always hopeful that tomorrow ... he will love me.
This little scenario is so very familiar to so many women on this planet. There are women, myself included, who want to nurture and shower others in our love. We give of ourselves because that is a natural expression of the love we offer. But what unfortunately happens is that the person who we have chosen to love may not be ready for love.
And it's not that there is anything wrong with us but rather our mate has made a choice to not accept the love offered. Many times I would convince myself that if I could only do this or that different ... be a little less confident, less sure of myself, then maybe that would heal the rift.
At the time I didn't know what I know now. I hadn't heard about attracting people who were on your same vibrations. It had never occurred to me that what I felt and thought about myself attracted a mate to me who also felt that same way about her/him self. I had honestly wanted to be loved and understood and respected and wanted...
But that want, I soon discovered would keep me wanting what I would never be able to manifest as long as I felt and thought that I had been unworthy of those things from the beginning.
I would always be waiting for tomorrow, for a miracle... for him to see that something that I couldn't see in myself. Had I not learned that me loving me was the secret to others loving me ( without conditions) I'd still be waiting for tomorrow. I'd still be waiting for him to come around one day but that, too, would require him to be someone different than the man that I had come to know.
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